I’ve had some hard couple of weeks where I am mentally beating myself up. I think it’s because school was approaching and studying for the MCAT. As I talked to my mentor about my feelings he said “you need to be your own self advocate!” I thought to myself I love to help people, but I suck at getting help for myself. On counselor calls we talk about self care. What do you do for self care? I’m one of the leading HIV positive disclosure counselor and they want to know what I will do when I get home. I’ve realized that I need to go see a counselor at least once a week to vent about everything I do. I know friends are like counselors, but if I have a schedule where I know I will talk to someone and they will listen to me. After I walk out of there I feel better and acknowledge things that are valid and things that aren’t. It’s hard to be an advocate for yourself, but if you don’t do it who will? I’ve been scheduling to see as many doctors as I can for example: gyno, dental, vision. I figure since I do have insurance I should use as much as I can now before I don’t have it. As health providers we should follow what we tell clients. It’s just interesting to me what most health providers do the opposite of what they educate or tell their patients.
Yesterday was my first day of Organic Chemistry part 2! Last bloody requirement to do! I learned a couple of things yesterday of what I like a professor’s teaching style was. 1.) The professor being open to answer questions 2.) ask students if they understand what he just explained 3.) As dumb as this might sound doing lectures on the chalk board vs. power point well at least for organic chemistry. For biology I didn’t mind it so much since it’s a lot of visual pictures vs. organic which a lot of consensual is/ practice problems. I also met a lot of students that had graduated from great universities and did not pass or got a C in the course. I also liked that professor was honest and said “This WIILL be the hardest chemistry class you take if you are not a chemistry major.” He gave great advice and seems friendly enough for me to ask question and not feel dumb if I do ask. Another thing I loved was him talking about the MCAT and how he will be teaching this course as though it was taught at MIT and MCAT exam. He also mentioned how he took it as a practice MCAT exam on the physical science portion and got 100%, but now it’s a lot harder he mentioned. He took a practice exam now and he got 47 correct he said and that’s now good because I teach this for a living. Overall I feel good about this professor and not frustrated from day one, which was my last professor.
Another summer has gone by and I have yet to reach medical school, but I feel like I’m on the last lap of my marathon. School will start in a week and I will be taking organic chemistry again part II. I withdrew last semester because I feel behind having two jobs since I was transitioning to my current job. My professor was the worst professor I’ve had. He was out to get the students! He took points off my lab report for ridiculous things. For example because I set up my experiment to the middle for the bench I was taken off 4points. Not only had that… he taken 4points off my lab partners report as well. Mind you there was only 14 students in the class by the time I withdrew there was only 8 of us. I wasn’t learning I was soo frustrated with him. I’m here to learn not to fight about points!! Yes I felt awful. I didn’t even tell my boyfriend until 2 weeks later because I was going to hear it from him of “man-ing up!” I’m not here to pass a class with a C anymore. I want to learn it. Now that I’ve see the MCAT material I know I need to know it. Yes, there is a small about of organic chemistry, but come to find out from practice exams that’s one of my strongest areas. I am hoping to let go off my worries at least for this weekend. My boyfriend planned a surprise weekend getaway and I’m taking a personal day off therefore it’s a three d
ay weekend for me! I just hope to have as much fun and laugh until I have tears in my eyes. I am grateful to have someone in my life that cares enough to do something like this for me.
What type of learner are you? I am all 3 types of learner. 1.) Visual 2.) Audio 3.) Tactical. My style of studying is a bit different than most people. I try to change it up with studying the MCAT. Whether I do posters, do Kaplan MCAT flash cards, reviewing in books, audio or taking practice exams. I try to do different types of things that will allow me to learn the material. Whatever works! I didn’t realized there were different types of learner until I became older that’s why I remember certain things because I saw a picture, heard my professor talking about it, and made a flash card to remember or read over it once more. Sometimes I think doing my posters don’t help, but I was doing a physics MCAT flash card and I remember my poster where I wrote what a scalar and vector are and what is the difference between them. According to my Kaplan flash card “A scalar quantity has magnitude, but no direction. A vector quantity has magnitude and direction. Scalar quantities: Distance, speed, and mass. Vector quantites: displacement, velocity, and force.”
MCAT prep…what can we say than it’s harder said than done. I’ve been on an off and on study pattern. It’s not a good thing. Now I’ve sent a number of pages and flash cards I must cover before the day is over in order to not fall behind as I have. I also have started to log the amount of hours of study time I am putting in. My goal is to have 400hours because my MCAT dates. As I study with my friends Kaplan books I look at her writing. I miss her. It’s fun when I am able to answer the questions when she has written question marks in book. As I continue to take practice exams. I’ve come to find out my strength is chemistry and my weakness is biology. I thought it would be the opposite. Another thing I am finding is that I am answering the hard questions and getting the easier ones wrong at times that can be a bit frustrating.
Being an HIV counselor someone days I am burned out and the last thing I want is to go home and study for hours on material that makes or doesn’t make sense. Keeping yourself motivated is hard and only you can do that. No one else will do that for you. If I wanted to quit I could have done it a long time ago. As I got an email of counselor burn out for this research I realized that I am not alone on how I feel some days where I don’t talk to anyone or even suggest things to my friends. The one good thing is my boyfriend doesn’t talk much so we can sit in a room and not really say a word and watch TV. Another thing I like about him is that he doesn’t want meaningless shows. I guess all I needed was a geek in my life. I’ve been asking myself this week. How do I find the balance between a 40hr -/+ work week and studying for this exam? It’s an interesting balance. As my friend reminds me “all you can do is your best! I was once there just get through it. This is where most people stop in pursuing medical school.” I’ve picked up working about 4-5 days a week therefore I do feel better. I am starting to look better too, but its funny the feeling of “I didn’t work out today something is off.” All can do is keep my head in the game and forgive myself for days I did not study.
Lately I’ve been having moments where “I wish I was…” I hate moments like that because I should be enjoying what I have now. I wish I could kill that toxic tape of “I wish I was” I need to change it to “I am here and happy to get to this point.” I just need to tell myself that time will fly by and by the time it’s my turn it’s an eye blink away. I guess it’s thinking of everything I have to do can be emotionally draining. I wish I was like my boyfriend just blocks things out. That’s a skill I wish I had. We all have skills I have a skill at talking to people and having them relate to me. Maybe it’s a Monday where I had such a super lazy day that it carried over to today. I had a great weekend. I love when my boyfriend says things that make me think. They are small things but it makes all a difference. For example this weekend he said “I need to know because we are a team!” I thought to myself “A team? Really we are?” I’ve never been in a relationship where we are a team. I am usually the one that makes plans, has education goals, and things I want to do such as traveling. It’s hard to be a team when I’ve been a solo player for so long. He got upset when I asked “we are a team?” In my mind I thought I would be alone through this progress until maybe mid-medical school or residency. I don’t know how long we will stay together, but I hope we can be a team forever. It might take some time for me to get use to having someone on my side. I am thankful of having someone like him. I hope I can learn to be more patient like he is with things.
Being an HIV counselor is very rewarding. I got to see a positive patient I had disclosed a while back ago and it was soo rewarding to see him doing better. I have weekly counselor calls and we discuss all types of issues. By far I have the most interesting patients you can think of!! I can honestly say I love my job and I love where I am in my life right now. At times I do get frustrated because I want to be in medical school , but there will be plenty of time to be a doctor. For now I am trying to enjoy what I do. As I was sharing with my mentor that I have a similar role as doctors do. My patient need to tell me what they have put themselves at risk in a couple of minutes, tell them how risky that has been, and then come up with a plan, which is very similar to a doctor. As a doctor patients share the most intimate things with you in a matter of minutes in order to get better. I am always amazed when someone will openly share with me “I have anal bleeding. I have a rash on my penis. I have discharge.” These are some things patients tell me in order to help them see a provider. I can’t wait the day I can treat and diagnosis a patient. It’s really the small things in life like a hug that make your day better! It always makes me happy when a patient recognizes me.
“Eliminate the word “impossible” from your conversation, drop it form your thoughts, erase it from your attitudes. Stop rationalizing it. Cease excusing it. Substitute for it that bright and shining word “possible.”
Regardless of what happens I will start a medical program August 2011. That was made a long time ago. As the months fly like days. I feel at times the pressure and I remind myself that “I am doing the best I can with what I have.” I will be applying to DO medical schools this year. If I don’t get in then I will be off to an Island school. My goal is to stay at home and make the best that I can with everything I have. I want to make the best application I can make. Between now and when I apply I believe I can have a better application. I’ve found a couple of more programs that can lead me to going to medical school. Regardless I will be a successful as a person due to my drive and passion I have for what I do. You can’t please everyone, but yourself. As another year goes by it hasn’t been in vain because I have made a difference, but I am ready to take the next step. A big lesson I learned this year is “Money does not buy happiness.” You can be a very successful and rich person and have all the material things but if you are not happy with yourself and what you have you will never be happy with little or small things in life. God knows life hasn’t been easy for me, but at this moment of my life I am thankful that I have been able to overcome very hurdle that has been placed in front of me. As much as I would love to be in medical school like my friends are now. I need to enjoy not being in medical school and enjoying what I do have. I hope for everyone to get their possibility of making their dreams come true.
I’ve been going through some transitions. I applied to a couple of programs and was rejected. I made an appointment with the director of the program of the university to see how I could improve the chances of getting into their program. I’ve got a game plan in place on what I need to do. I’ve been doing better on my MCAT practice which also has boosted my confidence on this exam. It’s a matter of practice practice practice. Life: I can’t complain. My close friends are there when I need them, my family is good and healthy, and my boyfriend is the person that continues to makes me laugh. I know exactly where I am going …it’s just a matter of time. I know the time is now. My time has come up and it’s matter of taking all the opportunities I can and not limiting myself. As a friend mentioned to me “just do it!” Start in the January class! Just get it done and start now. Just move on with your life.” My life is now. What I do is part of my life. The type of job I do now is very rewarding for me. It takes a special type of person to do what I do. If you have never walked in my shoes you can’t say what I am doing it not as good as going to medical school. I know my experience will make me a better physician. My mentor reminds me…”It’s not a race!! Your time will come and I just want you to be ready.” The picture it’s not my dogs I just love pugs!
I’ve been reading jack Canfield “The Success Principles.” My ACE gave it to me for my birthday and I can say it’s a gift that keeps giving. Sometimes I can only read a chapter because it’s so insightful. I really take it and at times re-read the chapter. This has given me such a positive outlook on life. I’ve been pretty negative most of my life due to childhood conditioning and the book does touch on that which I never knew there was such a thing. Now it all makes sense. If you have time to read it please do so. I highly recommend his book! These are some passages that stayed with me and hit close to home.
“All People (including you) are always doing the best they can to meet their basic needs with the current awareness, knowledge, skills, and tools they have at the time. If you they could have done better, they would have done better. As they developed more awareness of how their behavior affects others, as they learn more effective less harmful ways to meet their needs, they will behave in less harmful ways.”
AVOID TOXIC PEOPLE
“Until you reach the point in your self-development where you no longer allow people to affect you with their negativity, you need to avoid toxic people at all costs. You’re better off spending time alone than spending time with people who will hold you back with their victim mentality and their r mediocre standards.
Make a conscious effort to surround yourself with positive, nourishing, and uplifting people- people who believe in you, encourage you to go after you dreams, and applaud your victories. Surround yourself with possibility thinkers, idealist, and visionaries.”
By Jack Canfie
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